I consider myself to be quite good at achieving my goals. Some take longer than others, that’s for sure, but I rarely find myself standing still … I’m always moving in the direction of something.
The thing is, no matter what I do, or how much I achieve, there is always the underlying sense that it isn’t quite enough.
My ultimate dream is one I have been striving toward for as long as I can remember. I have tried countless ways to achieve it, and sometimes I even think I’m close – but inevitably when I reach a threshold that feels significant, I find myself plummeting far away from my goal.
My ultimate dream has become the proverbial carrot – close and tempting, but not quite close enough to taste.
It seems amazing when I think about it, because I have no idea what this ultimate dream of mine looks like – it is simply the underlying feeling of freedom.
What does freedom look like?
Throughout my childhood I thought freedom would be the ability to talk to anyone I wanted. Being selective mute meant that anytime my anxiety levels were raised, my voice box would become paralysed. No matter how much I wanted to say something, it was physically impossible until I was in a more comfortable space.
As a young adult I experienced short bursts of freedom frequently and temporarily, aided by an unhealthy dependency on alcohol. Needless to say, this didn’t last.
In my twenties, freedom was also about going overseas, friendships and finding the perfect man.
In my thirties freedom became about having children, financial security and finding a work-life-family-me-home-etc-etc balance.
Thing is, every time I achieve my ‘ideal’ of freedom, I fail to feel free.
Perhaps the problem is that freedom feels like an endpoint, and I’m scared about what comes next. Maybe I put myself under too much pressure, think too much or neglect my basic needs.
Is freedom even possible to experience?
Just like happiness, the feeling of freedom as an ultimate dream seems like a crazy goal to have. Feelings are, after all, fleeting by nature, and therefore they are not something you can bottle. I’m not sure if this is a good thing – because this dream keeps me motivated and growing through life, or is it a bad thing – because I seem to find it impossible to relax.
If freedom is my ideal lifestyle, then what is holding me back from truly embracing it as the backdrop to my life? Today I have been challenged by Natalie Sisson (The Suitcase Entrepreneur) in her 10 day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge, to become clear on the top 2-3 things holding me back from living my ideal lifestyle.
Having explored the definition of my ultimate dream – and lifestyle – and also realised by writing this post that I have achieved countless goals in my quest to find it, it has become clear to me that the biggest challenges I must overcome reside deep inside of my subconscious.
When I write, I learn a lot about what is truly driving my actions. This is the time I get to be brutally (and publicly) honest with myself. What I have realised through this process today is that:
- I don’t believe freedom is possible
- I don’t believe I deserve to experience freedom
- I’m scared of how my life might change if I felt free
Due to these three things, I find it nearly impossible to relax and enjoy my achievements. Over the years I have worked toward physical, mental, emotional and spiritual goals, but no matter how deep I go I have always avoided these core beliefs, and so I have never truly felt satisfied when I reach my goals.
Begs the question, what now? I’ve identified some pretty unhealthy (I think) beliefs that have been driving my actions since I’ve been me (pretty much). These beliefs are in direct conflict with everything I am trying to achieve, which explains a realisation I had a while back that ‘Everything I want, I don’t want’. Perhaps now these three things are out in the open they can move along … I guess the next nine days will help too! (Thanks Natalie!!)
This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1
Wow! I have learnt so much just from Day 1 – I hope this blog post has also resonated with you. If it has, why not share your own 2-3 things in the comments below, because in my experience sharing these things really does strengthen my resolve and ability to move past them.